A start of a new school year and a start of awesome (truly in awe) promises.
Alpha (the student orientation leadership program) has given me hope for this year to finally connect here at APU.
The most interesting thing is where God has brought me. I had an emotionally draining summer in which God brought me to a place to be vulnerable, to be trusting, to be dependent on what he was teaching me.
Now I am at a place in which I am stable. I don't think I've felt like this, able to truly comfort people as they are going through crises of faith. How did I ever get to this point? I know that I myself am inadequate but only because of God could I ever give insight and wisdom.
I'm so amazed.
A prayer for continuance.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Hold me back.
I haven't written in so long.
I'm at camp now. Well, in a coffee shop using the internet but my life is here at camp.
A co-worker named Brandon introduced this concept of truth and freedom. God has been running with this. I never realized that I hold back as much as I do. Now I am saying every thing, to people, to God, I am not afraid of confronting, not afraid to say every thing, be vulnerable. It's awesome that I am learning so much while doing this service.
I love this service. Working with these campers, seeing them grow in faith (sadly my position is to only see it for a week).
5 weeks more.
Sorry if this blog sounds tired. Tired seems to be a constant state this summer.
I'm at camp now. Well, in a coffee shop using the internet but my life is here at camp.
A co-worker named Brandon introduced this concept of truth and freedom. God has been running with this. I never realized that I hold back as much as I do. Now I am saying every thing, to people, to God, I am not afraid of confronting, not afraid to say every thing, be vulnerable. It's awesome that I am learning so much while doing this service.
I love this service. Working with these campers, seeing them grow in faith (sadly my position is to only see it for a week).
5 weeks more.
Sorry if this blog sounds tired. Tired seems to be a constant state this summer.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Genuine.
I've hit that wall. Finally, I've hit that wall. I've realized that it's time to give it up to God. I am not alone in going through this walk. I am in fact walking hand and hand with Him, it's just sometimes frustrating when I don't feel the warmth of His hand.
I give up everything to the Lord. My anxiousness, my worries, my thoughts, my actions, my words. I am at this place in my life for a reason. Already I know that what I am going through is challenging my life structure that I have had for a long time.
It sounds weird, but I know this sense of belonging won't come until I'm ready for it. I have started breaking down this reliance on people as validation and for recognition.
I live for the Father.
I give up these worries to Him for I know the Lord cares for me. He cares for me.
I once said "keep me here" but I know, to grow more: "take me there".
Peace. Love. Joy. Hope.
I give up everything to the Lord. My anxiousness, my worries, my thoughts, my actions, my words. I am at this place in my life for a reason. Already I know that what I am going through is challenging my life structure that I have had for a long time.
It sounds weird, but I know this sense of belonging won't come until I'm ready for it. I have started breaking down this reliance on people as validation and for recognition.
I live for the Father.
I give up these worries to Him for I know the Lord cares for me. He cares for me.
I once said "keep me here" but I know, to grow more: "take me there".
Peace. Love. Joy. Hope.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Opportunities
A lot has passed but it's so good to look at what God has given me.
Mexico Outreach over Easter break was amazing. In fact it was quite confirming in what I want I am passionate about. I was wondering if going on the Mexico trip would take me out of my comfort zone but in fact I was put into a comfortable place.
My job on the Mexico Outreach trip was to be on Team Barnabas, the encouragement and prayer team. A lot of it was hanging out with the high schoolers and finding out about them. There was even a church that I grew close to. St. Francis was definitely the most outgoing group but also I could see their great community. Each person seemed to want to grow in Christ and their leaders seemed just great. The Barnabas crew is even meeting up with two people from that church next week, I'm so excited.
Next thing is being an Alpha Leader. We already had one meeting and it looks like it is going to be a fun time together. I'm really excited for the retreat we're having this weekend. The biggest thing I'm excited for is the training in the Summer because we'll share our life stories and grow together. I can't wait to have a small group.
Things on my plate:
Summer job at Ojai Valley, Forest Home
Discipleship Group Leader?
Volunteer in the Pomona First Baptist Youth.
I'm so excited.
Mexico Outreach over Easter break was amazing. In fact it was quite confirming in what I want I am passionate about. I was wondering if going on the Mexico trip would take me out of my comfort zone but in fact I was put into a comfortable place.
My job on the Mexico Outreach trip was to be on Team Barnabas, the encouragement and prayer team. A lot of it was hanging out with the high schoolers and finding out about them. There was even a church that I grew close to. St. Francis was definitely the most outgoing group but also I could see their great community. Each person seemed to want to grow in Christ and their leaders seemed just great. The Barnabas crew is even meeting up with two people from that church next week, I'm so excited.
Next thing is being an Alpha Leader. We already had one meeting and it looks like it is going to be a fun time together. I'm really excited for the retreat we're having this weekend. The biggest thing I'm excited for is the training in the Summer because we'll share our life stories and grow together. I can't wait to have a small group.
Things on my plate:
Summer job at Ojai Valley, Forest Home
Discipleship Group Leader?
Volunteer in the Pomona First Baptist Youth.
I'm so excited.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Summer Plans
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I should be doing this summer.
Last year I really enjoyed doing Day Camp but I think that ship has sailed. It seems it's going to be a very different program.
This year summer begins early,a whole month earlier actually. The first month will be spent in Hawaii though, which will be an amazing experience.
When I get back May 25th, what am I supposed to do?
I interviewed for Hume Lake but it seems like a lot of time commitment, a lot of regulations for not a lot of money. I know that it would be for the experience, yet I don't feel called to go.
I might want to do some volunteering for a youth group. Since I am thinking about going into it (and taking an Intro to Youth class in the fall), I would love to get some experience. Yet I don't feel like South Hills is the place for me to be.
The doors will open, I'm trusting.
Also, I'm building up walls, and I need to break them down.
Last year I really enjoyed doing Day Camp but I think that ship has sailed. It seems it's going to be a very different program.
This year summer begins early,a whole month earlier actually. The first month will be spent in Hawaii though, which will be an amazing experience.
When I get back May 25th, what am I supposed to do?
I interviewed for Hume Lake but it seems like a lot of time commitment, a lot of regulations for not a lot of money. I know that it would be for the experience, yet I don't feel called to go.
I might want to do some volunteering for a youth group. Since I am thinking about going into it (and taking an Intro to Youth class in the fall), I would love to get some experience. Yet I don't feel like South Hills is the place for me to be.
The doors will open, I'm trusting.
Also, I'm building up walls, and I need to break them down.
Monday, March 3, 2008
29 days. 1 outfit.
It was decided late into January that we would try an experiment for an entire month. The whole month of February was spent wearing one outfit. It was to experience what many people in countries have and also a lesson in simplicity. Even though we did have exceptions because sometimes clothes are demanded for certain things, I learned a few things while going through the experiment.
1) The hardest part (which in reality wasn't that hard) was putting on the dirty clothes right after a shower. It just felt gross to be putting on something that I have been wearing for a week (I did laundry pretty much every 7 days).
2) Change in weather really sucked. I wore jeans in my outfit because it was very cold. When it was very sunny though, it was annoying not to be able to put on shorts. I think of the fact that changing into various things is quite the luxury.
3) People don't really notice. I now bring up the fact that I had been wearing the same outfit for an entire month and people are flabbergasted. The only people who noticed were either doing the experiment as well or were told. It's interesting to see that not that many people notice what you wear. This is different than a high school setting but still I would expect some people to notice.
4) I look in my closet and notice that I don't need all the clothes I have. Very soon the closet is going to be cleaned out.
1) The hardest part (which in reality wasn't that hard) was putting on the dirty clothes right after a shower. It just felt gross to be putting on something that I have been wearing for a week (I did laundry pretty much every 7 days).
2) Change in weather really sucked. I wore jeans in my outfit because it was very cold. When it was very sunny though, it was annoying not to be able to put on shorts. I think of the fact that changing into various things is quite the luxury.
3) People don't really notice. I now bring up the fact that I had been wearing the same outfit for an entire month and people are flabbergasted. The only people who noticed were either doing the experiment as well or were told. It's interesting to see that not that many people notice what you wear. This is different than a high school setting but still I would expect some people to notice.
4) I look in my closet and notice that I don't need all the clothes I have. Very soon the closet is going to be cleaned out.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Bloodshot Eyes
I have just spent 10 straight hours (allowing time for one meal) writing about one passage of the Bible.
Luke 12:1-12:
1Meanwhile, when a crowd of many thousands had gathered, so that they were trampling on one another, Jesus began to speak first to his disciples, saying: "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. 2There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 3What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
4"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. 5But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. 6Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
8"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. 9But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. 10And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
11"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
We were supposed to find a passage of personal significance and right when finding this passage I remember a memory of summer in which a few people and myself were sitting around a fire and few questions were tossed around. The question I remember the most was whether you would say that you were a believer in Christ with a gun pointed to your head (and the implication that you would be dead if you said yes). I remember that moment a lot because I didn't really have a strong opinion on whether it was right or wrong. The chaperone of the bonfire brought up the idea about lying and then just being forgiven afterward. I don't know why I didn't have a strong opinion (the Lord and I are now working on that) but something seemed unsettling about that answer.
Jesus is very tactical is how he delivers the news. He gives a warning against the lifestyle of hypocrisy.
hy·poc·ri·sy
1. a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
2. a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
In today's society I would believe it could be something like claiming to follow God, yet well...not.
"What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs"
God knows what's truly going with ourselves. Sounds like Big Brother, huh?
Jesus then instills fear in the crowd. Warning them that who they should really fear is God since He is control after death.
Though Jesus is using scare tactics, my favorite part comes about:
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
It is interesting in the fact that the Lord cares about such minute details of our human bodies. Something we don't really care about (though your hair could be interesting).
All these warnings and encouragements lead up to the decision time about whether we would acknowledge Him or not. He states that we will be forgiven if we speak against the Son of Man yet if anyone blasphemes against the Holy Spirit then they shall not be forgiven.
Jesus then states an example of when exactly a time might arise when the Holy Spirit will take over:
"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
Of course this leaves the interpretation totally up to you, because the question arises about the Holy Spirit will truly do.
My Opinion: I would say "yes". I don't believe there is a necessity to live on Earth. I would say yes out of both passion and out of fear for the Lord. I believe that if I was lead up to that point, then it is possible for that to be my calling for home.
My prayer is that I am accepting of how the Holy Spirit moves within me. May my words not be my own words, my actions reflect the teachings of Jesus.
Luke 12:1-12:
1Meanwhile, when a crowd of many thousands had gathered, so that they were trampling on one another, Jesus began to speak first to his disciples, saying: "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. 2There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 3What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
4"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. 5But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. 6Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies[a]? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. 7Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
8"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. 9But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God. 10And everyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.
11"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, 12for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
We were supposed to find a passage of personal significance and right when finding this passage I remember a memory of summer in which a few people and myself were sitting around a fire and few questions were tossed around. The question I remember the most was whether you would say that you were a believer in Christ with a gun pointed to your head (and the implication that you would be dead if you said yes). I remember that moment a lot because I didn't really have a strong opinion on whether it was right or wrong. The chaperone of the bonfire brought up the idea about lying and then just being forgiven afterward. I don't know why I didn't have a strong opinion (the Lord and I are now working on that) but something seemed unsettling about that answer.
Jesus is very tactical is how he delivers the news. He gives a warning against the lifestyle of hypocrisy.
hy·poc·ri·sy
1. a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
2. a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.
In today's society I would believe it could be something like claiming to follow God, yet well...not.
"What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs"
God knows what's truly going with ourselves. Sounds like Big Brother, huh?
Jesus then instills fear in the crowd. Warning them that who they should really fear is God since He is control after death.
Though Jesus is using scare tactics, my favorite part comes about:
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
It is interesting in the fact that the Lord cares about such minute details of our human bodies. Something we don't really care about (though your hair could be interesting).
All these warnings and encouragements lead up to the decision time about whether we would acknowledge Him or not. He states that we will be forgiven if we speak against the Son of Man yet if anyone blasphemes against the Holy Spirit then they shall not be forgiven.
Jesus then states an example of when exactly a time might arise when the Holy Spirit will take over:
"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say."
Of course this leaves the interpretation totally up to you, because the question arises about the Holy Spirit will truly do.
My Opinion: I would say "yes". I don't believe there is a necessity to live on Earth. I would say yes out of both passion and out of fear for the Lord. I believe that if I was lead up to that point, then it is possible for that to be my calling for home.
My prayer is that I am accepting of how the Holy Spirit moves within me. May my words not be my own words, my actions reflect the teachings of Jesus.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunshine
I don't stay down in the dumps for very long. I think it's only when I am tired that I start thinking those things. It's important for me not to focus on them, since time will solve the problems.
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"
I found this in a art gallery in relation to body image, but I believe it goes really well with life. Nothing will really ever be perfect here on earth, it's all about how we see what you have, and how we take it.
We're in this together.
Man. It's such a good day outside.
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections"
I found this in a art gallery in relation to body image, but I believe it goes really well with life. Nothing will really ever be perfect here on earth, it's all about how we see what you have, and how we take it.
We're in this together.
Man. It's such a good day outside.
Monday, February 25, 2008
"Stephen has been rethinking a lot things"
I write this blog to just get ideas out of head. I feel like writing this online is the right idea.
Belonging
This question has been a general theme over the 19 years of my life. I don't really recall ever feeling a sense of belonging. No group of friends have I ever felt like I really was a part. Sometimes I just feel like the "guest star", only being transient, never being there for the long haul. I have identified this as not being lonely, I have plenty of friendships that I can go to for fun times and some for accountability (though I am hesitant to go to them, which is a story in itself). When I transitioned out of high school, I left those friends to join people at church, just to leave them, and now I am here, not quite connecting in the idea that I thought I was. I see now that a lot of what I deal with (especially in this blog) is relationships, which I find annoying in myself. Should I even want to belong? I know I don't want to find security through people, yet I cannot stop thinking about this sense of belonging. Why?
The Best Friend
I've told a few people that I don't feel as if I have a best friend, and this kind of ties into belonging. I have caught myself wanting someone to be my best friend, someone to pursue being a best friend, only to see that is not what they want. More in this definition of a best friend is someone I feel comfortable being accountable with, someone who I can challenge and can challenge me in our aspects of God. I'll be in honest in saying that the person I call my "best friend" is Aubrea, who has never really been present (in the sense that we have always been in different social groups/schools) and the female aspect is starting to play a factor. I am challenged in patience in finding this person but I'm working on it.
Mood Swing
I've really let my guard down, which is no excuse. The other night I just sat in misery as I reflected on how mean I've been. I've been really sarcastic and have been cutting people down. Probably not that much in people's eyes, but a lot for me. That just goes into a problem I've found with myself. I'm not a good person, whatsoever. I find myself to be a selfish human being in a friendship, usually always wanting something from it. Or at least that is what I feel is conveyed, I don't truly want to be a "user". I don't even really know what to work on now that I think of it.
Joy
Someone commented on my smile today. It made me wonder how really present my smile is, I didn't think I smiled a lot. I am so happy to have made Team Barnabas, the prayer and encouragement team. God is really giving me opportunities to grow in encouraging and so I'm excited to see just how that goes.
It feels good to just write it out, even if it isn't my whole thought process, it's close.
Belonging
This question has been a general theme over the 19 years of my life. I don't really recall ever feeling a sense of belonging. No group of friends have I ever felt like I really was a part. Sometimes I just feel like the "guest star", only being transient, never being there for the long haul. I have identified this as not being lonely, I have plenty of friendships that I can go to for fun times and some for accountability (though I am hesitant to go to them, which is a story in itself). When I transitioned out of high school, I left those friends to join people at church, just to leave them, and now I am here, not quite connecting in the idea that I thought I was. I see now that a lot of what I deal with (especially in this blog) is relationships, which I find annoying in myself. Should I even want to belong? I know I don't want to find security through people, yet I cannot stop thinking about this sense of belonging. Why?
The Best Friend
I've told a few people that I don't feel as if I have a best friend, and this kind of ties into belonging. I have caught myself wanting someone to be my best friend, someone to pursue being a best friend, only to see that is not what they want. More in this definition of a best friend is someone I feel comfortable being accountable with, someone who I can challenge and can challenge me in our aspects of God. I'll be in honest in saying that the person I call my "best friend" is Aubrea, who has never really been present (in the sense that we have always been in different social groups/schools) and the female aspect is starting to play a factor. I am challenged in patience in finding this person but I'm working on it.
Mood Swing
I've really let my guard down, which is no excuse. The other night I just sat in misery as I reflected on how mean I've been. I've been really sarcastic and have been cutting people down. Probably not that much in people's eyes, but a lot for me. That just goes into a problem I've found with myself. I'm not a good person, whatsoever. I find myself to be a selfish human being in a friendship, usually always wanting something from it. Or at least that is what I feel is conveyed, I don't truly want to be a "user". I don't even really know what to work on now that I think of it.
Joy
Someone commented on my smile today. It made me wonder how really present my smile is, I didn't think I smiled a lot. I am so happy to have made Team Barnabas, the prayer and encouragement team. God is really giving me opportunities to grow in encouraging and so I'm excited to see just how that goes.
It feels good to just write it out, even if it isn't my whole thought process, it's close.
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