"Stephen has been rethinking a lot things"

I write this blog to just get ideas out of head. I feel like writing this online is the right idea.

Belonging
This question has been a general theme over the 19 years of my life. I don't really recall ever feeling a sense of belonging. No group of friends have I ever felt like I really was a part. Sometimes I just feel like the "guest star", only being transient, never being there for the long haul. I have identified this as not being lonely, I have plenty of friendships that I can go to for fun times and some for accountability (though I am hesitant to go to them, which is a story in itself). When I transitioned out of high school, I left those friends to join people at church, just to leave them, and now I am here, not quite connecting in the idea that I thought I was. I see now that a lot of what I deal with (especially in this blog) is relationships, which I find annoying in myself. Should I even want to belong? I know I don't want to find security through people, yet I cannot stop thinking about this sense of belonging. Why?

The Best Friend
I've told a few people that I don't feel as if I have a best friend, and this kind of ties into belonging. I have caught myself wanting someone to be my best friend, someone to pursue being a best friend, only to see that is not what they want. More in this definition of a best friend is someone I feel comfortable being accountable with, someone who I can challenge and can challenge me in our aspects of God. I'll be in honest in saying that the person I call my "best friend" is Aubrea, who has never really been present (in the sense that we have always been in different social groups/schools) and the female aspect is starting to play a factor. I am challenged in patience in finding this person but I'm working on it.

Mood Swing
I've really let my guard down, which is no excuse. The other night I just sat in misery as I reflected on how mean I've been. I've been really sarcastic and have been cutting people down. Probably not that much in people's eyes, but a lot for me. That just goes into a problem I've found with myself. I'm not a good person, whatsoever. I find myself to be a selfish human being in a friendship, usually always wanting something from it. Or at least that is what I feel is conveyed, I don't truly want to be a "user". I don't even really know what to work on now that I think of it.

Joy
Someone commented on my smile today. It made me wonder how really present my smile is, I didn't think I smiled a lot. I am so happy to have made Team Barnabas, the prayer and encouragement team. God is really giving me opportunities to grow in encouraging and so I'm excited to see just how that goes.

It feels good to just write it out, even if it isn't my whole thought process, it's close.